Of random thoughts that don't make sense

Sometimes it seems so hard to really feel
It doesn't take a broken heart just to get it real.
You won't know what it really feels like.
You'd be wondering if you're not meant to be.
Maybe you can't compromise. But whatever it is, that this subject, it gets you dry.
The mention of it, freaks you out. How can something so simple seem so complicated?
A restless heart. A restless mind. A restless soul. Restless thoughts.
For a moment you had rest. Seems like the best. That you stay alone. And you ask if you'd just like to be there. Alone. Not that bad once you "get used" to it.

No amount of preparation gets you anywhere.
You're just better off prepared. But you don't get there for sure or thanks to your planning. Planning is a largely overdressed thing. You're just better off prepared.

Then again, if something is cool to you. You don't "get used" to it. You DON'T have to "try". It'll be so easy. Why would you need to pretend? You had it set and done. Getting "used" to partying till no tomorrow. More like "being used". No worries. Life is short. etc etc etc. And? You thought that. That was it. Thats the ruddy end to the story of the party till 5am story.

Till you "found" this person. Till you had someone. Or you could say that she had you. Someone that makes a meaning out of it and makes you be a better person not just cause its for SOMEBODY. Not just cause you wanna impress SOMEBODY. Not just cause of anything. Just cause......you care about this person. And you think of endless possibilities. And somehow, you fear losing something now. Not afraid of losing her to somebody. But you fear that you cannot provide. Not that any amount of accommodation was required from you. But you just feel it. The indescribable feeling. Its not gratitude or blind wants or desire that you needed. Just this......duty/privilege that you feel. Something no words can explain. Something that made you care. You tread around. Doing stuff. You don't care. Nobody. No one. Ever. Gets at you for naught. Then.....gee. You realise. Hey. You do care. You can care. That feeling and that capacity? I dunno where it went long and lost somewhere in X-files. N suddenly. You do care?
For constant intervals you figure out. That you must be dreaming. Maybe you haven't been sleeping. Maybe you haven't been partying enough. Then, you realise.......that long lost data trapped somewhere you thought was corrupted and deleted did show up again. And it starts running inside that RAM. And you.....don't know what it is about. The feeling seem so strange. Its almost alien.

And it restarted/rebooted the program. You thought it was an end. Cause life's gotta be that way right? For sometime, there are certain motions and laws of things that were just never broken. In came somebody who broke all the rules. Till you figure it wasn't. I don't know how many illusions you'd see through. But how many? Would someone give you another illusion till you work it up? Or is it just another story never meant to be? Now I could ask a million questions about that. Contemplate a million years and never start living or I'm just better off. being alive. for who I am. How cool is that.
It wasn't my problem that I was born too perfect for you.
And sometimes you don't even believe whatever you're saying. But then someone. Someone made you so certain with every word you say. It wasn't about confidence. But something's different in every word you say now. Because it all made perfect sense.